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Chapter 1: Considering Divorce
In which Leila's big sister, Terri, age eleven, confirms Leila's fear that something is wrong.

Long before any formal statement is made to the children that their parents are going to separate, most kids have sensed that something is wrong, even if they don't understand what it is. In these diaries the little sister is concerned because of the atmosphere in the house, but her mother is unsure whether to say anything since no decisions about separation have been made. The commentary deals with the problems of staying together after the marriage is over emotionally, and how children perceive this limbo period.


Chapter 2 Whom Do You Tell, and Why?
In which nine-year-old Jenny discovers the big secret her parents have been keeping from her

Once the decision to separate or divorce has been made, parents find they face a difficult choice: deciding who else has to know and when they get told - before or after the children? The diaries reveal the pain and anguish that occur when a child discovers her parents' secret. The commentary offers guidance on how to build peer and adult support for your children without immediately revealing the divorce, ways to marshal the interest of grandparents and relatives, and suggestions for constructing a list of the other people who should be told before or immediately after the children are told.


Chapter 3 Reassuring the Children
In which Kim, age twelve, isn't convinced that everything is going to be ok

Parents often seek to shield the children from the reality of the situation in order to spare them pain. The child's diary exposes the difficulties of being told half-truths. The commentary explains why many of the words intended as reassurance can actually increase anxiety in children and decrease their trust in their parents. We focus specifically on how to handle the period of uncertainty while parents come to a settlement agreement.


Chapter 4 Telling the Children
In which fifteen-year-old Sandy tells what it's like to hear only part of the truth when her parents reveal their decision to divorce

Actually telling a child that one parent is going to leave the family home and live elsewhere is an event parents dread. However, it is far better than having the child experience an abrupt departure of one parent without warning. The child's diary expresses her fears on hearing the news while her father grapples with indecision about exactly how much to say. The commentary stresses the importance of what to say, when to say it, and how to plan the sequence of events so that both parents are prepared to meet the children's needs at this difficult time.


Chapter 5 Buying Presents, Buying Love
In which Patty, age thirteen, wonders whether Dad thinks he can buy her love with a new bicycle

A child's description of her reactions to the gift of an expensive mountain bike reveals the mixed emotions many children feel when a parent appears to have used a present as a bribe. The commentary focuses on the pitfalls of buying too much and doing too much for children, especially in the early stages of divorce when they are particularly needy of reassurance and nurture.


Chapter 6 Children Blaming Themselves for the Divorce
In which ten-year-old Albert feels guilty about precipitating Dad's departure

Children often think it may be their fault that their parents are separating. Thinking of this sort is shown in a son's diary questioning whether his staying up late to watch television precipitated the argument that led to his dad's leaving. This chapter explains the different ways that children come to believe they are at fault and offers suggestions to enable parents to discuss these feelings in a constructive manner.


Chapter 7 Short Visits
In which Mary, age eleven, complains about the visitation schedule

In this diary the child voices her annoyance with the visitation plan. The commentary highlights the pitfalls of accepting a visitation arrangement in which time with the children is allocated in short blocks. The experience of children and adults is that short visits often cause more frustration than pleasure. In constructing a schedule, we encourage parents to objectively consider whose emotional and physical needs are being served by the allocation of visitation time.


Chapter 8 Creating a Schedule
In which Ellen, age twelve, can't anticipate what visitation schedule would work best for her

The diaries show that kids and parents often view the utility and fairness of schedules differently. The commentary describes how a schedule can evolve. We offer general guidelines as well as specific considerations to be weighed for individual children, combined with suggestions for managing the complications of melding the requests of multiple children with the valid needs of parents for space and time. The chapter concludes with the pros and cons of examples of schedules that have worked for other families.


Chapter 9 Handovers
In which fifteen-year-old Ryan tells what he would like to happen on Friday nights when Mom picks up the kids

The child's diary describes the traditional handover of children from one parent to the other in a face-to-face situation at the house where the children live most of the time. Both diaries make it plain why this is rarely the ideal method and why it complicates the overall transition from the care of one parent to the other. In the commentary, specific suggestions are made as to the time and place of handovers.


Chapter 10 Transitions
In which Amanda, age eight, describes what happens when Dad returns them to Mom after a visit

Even a whole weekend visit may seem short for parents and children if the transitions from one home to the other are emotionally unsettling. This daughter has come to realize that it takes her time to adjust to being at her father's, so their quality time together is really less than a day. Just as she is beginning to enjoy herself, it is time to go - an event she has come to dread as her younger brother invariably cries and creates a scene when Dad leaves them back at Mom's. Finding a way to make transitions go smoothly and learning to optimize transition times are critical to making the most out of time together. The commentary describes ways to decrease the tension during the period of adjustment and why, from the child's perspective, these work.


Chapter 11 Telephoning Home
In which ten-year-old Sarah wants to call Mom from Dad's house

After a mutually enjoyable day, a daughter unexpectedly wants to call home to her mother. The intrusion into their time together irritates the father and precipitates a situation in which the daughter wants to go home but her brother does not. The commentary examines whose needs are being served by these telephone calls and encourages the setting up of ground rules in order to maintain the rhythm of the visit. When, and when not, to give in to a child's request to go home is discussed.


Chapter 12 Why Not on Thursdays?
In which nine-year-old Larry talks about Dad's one-night stand

The exposure of the children to the dating behavior of one parent frequently results in increased animosity between the parents, which in turn can jeopardize the negotiation of an equitable divorce agreement. These diaries illustrate how differently a child and his mother react to his father's one-night stand. The commentary stresses the importance of protecting children from their parents' sexual experimentations and suggests how each parent can do a better job in looking after the best interests of the children.


Chapter 13 Staying in Touch
In which Nathaniel, age fourteen, introduces E-mail to the family

Keeping in touch with your kids' rapidly changing plans is never easy. Accommodating changes when you only see them sporadically is even harder. This commentary
deals with the pros and cons of different communication mechanisms and points out the advantages of having phone, fax, and E-mail available to you and your children.


Chapter 14 Sharing Dad's Bed
In which Jillian, age eight, wonders why she can't sleep in Dad's bed after a bad dream

Just about every parent has been awakened in the middle of the night by a child frightened by a dream, and both have ended up sleeping in the parent's bed or the child's bed. Nurturing behaviors considered natural and comforting before the divorce, however, may now precipitate suspicion and criticism from other adults. This father, concerned about appearances, refuses to let his daughter sleep in his bed. She is unable to understand why what was previously acceptable is now not allowed by her father while still encouraged with her mother. In the commentary, we explore the ease with which normal nurturing activities can be misinterpreted and the problems this can cause for single parents raising children of opposite genders.


Chapter 15 Two Birthday Parties
In which Danny, age seven, wonders whether he really wants to have two birthday parties

At birthdays, neither parent wants to be left out of the celebration. Since birthdays are often celebrated on an occasion other than "the day," unlike Christmas or Thanksgiving, two separate birthday parties would appear to be the answer. As the diaries reveal, however, two parties are not always better than one. In the commentary, we explore the reasons for this and how special days can be celebrated differently after divorce.


Chapter 16 Moving from the Family Home
In which Nancy, age seven, worries that she might end up homeless

Every parent wonders whether, following a divorce, it is better to move with the children and start in a place with no negative memories or to stay in the family home. Often the economic consequences of the decision take priority. The commentary looks at the pros and cons of moving, from the logistic, emotional, and financial points of view of all concerned.


Chapter 17 Grandparents
In which nine-year-old Rob tells why visiting his grandfather after the divorce is such a relief

Grandparents, friends, teachers, and neighbors often form an extended family for children involved in divorce. The diary reveals the support and insight this boy gains from his grandparent's nonjudgmental listening to his concerns and questions. This is contrasted with the pain and turmoil he feels when other family members take sides and defend one parent or the other. The commentary highlights the advantages to children when grandparents play a constructive role, even when these relationships may limit parent-child time together.


Chapter 18 Playing Messenger
In which Angie, age fourteen, asks to go to a party with her mother and is disappointed by the angry response from her father

In many divorces, the communication between parents becomes strained and infrequent. In this diary a daughter describes the anguish she feels when once again she gets caught between her parents. While a parent may believe that the child's attempts to get more financial support or to change the schedule may be successful when other approaches have failed, the commentary delineates the pressures and ambivalence children must bear when asked to be a messenger. We offer alternatives to using children as pawns in parental struggles.


Chapter 19 Keeping Secrets from Parents
In which eight-year-old Kevin is forced to tell the secret he was keeping from Mom

Older children are often exquisitely sensitive to the emotional reactions of each parent and may seek to protect a parent from pain or disappointment. When they have an especially wonderful weekend with their father, Kevin's sister asks her brother not to tell their mother. He is unable to keep his adventures secret, kindling an embarrassing situation for everyone. The commentary focuses on the problems caused when children are asked to keep secrets from either parent. It examines the distrust that ensues and the conflict children feel when their own happiness causes adult resentment or serves to incite further parental hostility.


Chapter 20 Therapists
In which Barbara, age thirteen, tells why she doesn't think her brother's visits to a psychologist are worth it

This daughter relates the saga of her brother's visits to the psychologist, beginning with his problems at school and ending with his increasing resistance. His father reveals the reasons why many parents are ambivalent about turning to professional help. The commentary includes a discussion of the positive role mental-health professionals can play in helping families and the importance of setting goals for therapy.


Chapter 21 Last-Minute Cancellations
In which six-year-old Alice tells of her despair when Dad cancels

Last-minute cancellations are devastating to children who are eagerly anticipating a visit and are disruptive to the parent home with the child. This diary describes both mother and child's reaction to the father's last-minute call. The commentary helps devise ways of avoiding this occurrence and ways to minimize the damage caused by unanticipated changes in the schedule.


Chapter 22 Reading the Agreement
In which Andrew, age fourteen, tells why reading the agreement would clarify the future

Children often believe the signing of a document will somehow remove uncertainty from their lives, and they are puzzled when they find parents don't always agree on what it says in the divorce decree. This boy, like many of his peers, wants to see for himself what it says about finances (who is paying for extracurricular activities or college) and who has the ability to change the visitation schedule. The reasons for having a plain English (as opposed to a legalese) version of the document to show children and the ways this can help them adapt to the reality of the divorce are the major topics of the commentary.


Chapter 23 Individual Time
In which Tony, age fifteen, wonders how he can get some private time with his father

For kids, one of the most puzzling and exasperating results of the divorce is that frequently, for the purposes of organizing the schedule, the children are lumped together as a homogeneous group, irrespective of their ages and needs. From the children's point of view, there are good reasons to individualize the schedule. The commentary is based on this child-oriented perspective. It offers suggestions as to how to make schedules flexible and meld the needs of different children with the time and work commitments of parents. The diary reveals why many of these changes come about at the instigation of children, and why they serve to benefit all the siblings, not just one individual.


Chapter 24 Assuming New Responsibilities
In which sixteen-year-old Judy wonders how she'll resolve the conflict between her social life and her home life

Divorce brings many changes in the roles individuals play in the family. This daughter appreciates the opportunity to take on new responsibilities that she feels have helped her become more prepared to be a parent and a self-sufficient adult. Increasingly, however, she feels taken for granted and realizes that her desire for a social life means she can no longer contribute to the household as fully as her mother would like. The commentary looks at ways children can gain self-confidence by making contributions to keeping the household functioning; it also identifies the signs that indicate a child is being overburdened and likely to become resentful.


Chapter 25 Sleep-Over at Dad's
In which Lizzie, age fourteen, faces the social stigma of divorce

Having become comfortable with the back-and-forth visitation over the previous three years, this teenager is ready to reveal to her friends that her parents no longer live together - by having a sleepover at her father's. Stunned by the reluctance of her friends' parents to let them come, she realizes new aspects of the stigma surrounding divorce and the prejudices involved. The commentary acknowledges society's suspicion of single fathers and deals with how to help children anticipate the prejudices they will encounter.


Chapter 26 Gender Stereotypes
In which Laura, age thirteen, is hurt by her father's lack of interest in her ballet class

Following a divorce, parents often find there are barriers to being involved in a child's interests and activities - beyond the time and money necessary. This daughter is hurt when she misinterprets her father's reluctance to attend her ballet class as a lack of support for her favorite activity. The commentary directly addresses the gender bias that many men who take a significant parenting role face and points out how to turn this situation to their advantage


Chapter 27 Fiscal Responsibilities
In which Chris, age fifteen, resents his father spending money on himself

This teenager has a hard time accepting the ways his father spends money while his mother is desperately trying to save for the future. When the economic status of each parent differs dramatically, children are often uncomfortable with the disparity. The commentary discusses what children would see as fair and cautions against either parent behaving in an ostentatious manner if the other parent is not equally advantaged.


Chapter 28 Introducing the Significant Other
In which Robert, age sixteen, talks about meeting his dad's new girlfriend

Sooner or later most divorced adults are faced with the challenge of introducing their girlfriend or boyfriend to their children. At what stage in the relationship this should occur and how it can be done with the least acting-out from the children is discussed in the commentary. In this diary Robert describes some of his ambivalent feelings toward his dad's girlfriend and what helped the introductory weekend go well.


Chapter 29 "Just Like Your Father"
In which Ted, age eleven, wonders whether Mom is right that he is as worthless as his father

Being compared to a person your parent despises is never a positive experience. When that person is your other parent, it sets up multiple loyalty issues. Ted is both angry at his mom for failing to see his positive attributes and at his father for having so many shortcomings. Tempting as it is to compare your children with the absent parent, the commentary speaks to the harm it does to the child's self-esteem and both parent-child relationships.


Chapter 30 Refusing to Spend Time with a Parent
In which fifteen-year-old Holly pleads for some understanding

In this diary a teenage girl explains why she no longer wants to be made to visit with her father and why she thinks she should be allowed to make her own decisions. Her mother, while sympathetic, is ambivalent about letting her stay home, as she herself has made other plans. Reasons for visitation refusal are explored in the commentary and advice is offered as to how to decrease the chances of this happening with your child.


Chapter 31 Adolescent Dating Anxiety
In which Harry, age fifteen, struggles over dumping his date for the dance

This teenager voices the problem many teenagers face: that of knowing how and when to break up with a girlfriend or boyfriend. Raising this issue with his divorced parents brings up all sorts of conflicts for him and them. The commentary advises talking about values and relationships with your children before a teenage crisis precipitates an awkward situation.


Chapter 32 The Disappearing Parent?
In which Sam, age ten, wonders why Dad has gone to Las Vegas and hasn't come back after two weeks

Many parents, especially men, end up abandoning their children, emotionally and financially. This ten-year-old tries not to believe it is possible that his father is not coming back for him, while his mother sees it as a predictable continuation of his irresponsible behavior. The commentary, while sympathizing with the urge to get away and start a new life without the hassles of visitation and child support, strongly opposes this action as a solution to divorce frustration and looks at the long-term consequences for the children concerned.


Chapter 33 Long-Distance Parenting
In which Tom, age seven, arrives with his reluctant siblings for a summer vacation with Dad

The difficulties of maintaining a quality relationship with the children when a parent lives out of state or overseas are acknowledged in the commentary. Suggestions for maintaining maximum contact during the year are given and ideas for projects that can be carried on over a distance are offered. The diaries highlight that it takes time, patience, and work to re-establish a comfortable "family atmosphere" after being apart for long periods of time.