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Dividing up the time your child(ren) spend with each parent is an emotionally trying task. Things will go more smoothly if
you remember to ask the children for their suggestions before finalizing an agreement, and agree to review the schedule of
visits with the other parent at least once a year to make necessary adjustments. Childrens' needs and activities change as
they get older, so when and how each parent gets to spend time with their children must change too .
GENERAL GUIDELINES
Be aware that each individuals needs are different so compromise is essential:
--What works for you, may not work for the other parent (and vice versa.)
--What works for the adults, may not work for the child(ren) (and vice versa)
In general children appreciate, and benefit from, keeping in touch and seeing both parents on a regular predictable schedule
even if their parents don't wish to see each other.
INFANTS AND TODDLERS
At first, infants and toddlers have a hard time being away from either parent for more than 12 hours (especially the one
who has done most of the day-to-day care before the separation). But they can adapt within months to enjoy longer visits as
they increase familiarity with the other parent.
SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN
Children aged 4 upwards are certainly able to be away from the most familiar parent for at least a day and an overnight,
and do better with this type of longer visit than with short, two hour visits which are often all hello/goodbye. It is important
that the parent they are with is attentive to their needs while they are there (although this does not mean treats and presents
all day long) and that the parent they have left does not undermine the other parent with badmouthing and criticisms in front
of the children, creating loyalty problems.
As children get older they find short, evening visits increasingly frustrating. They are just long enough to look forward
to and just short enough to bring sadness when they are over; or sometimes they just seem to get in the way of doing home-work,
playing with friends etc. If this is the case, making them longer by allowing your child(ren) to sleep over midweek with the
other parent is more enjoyable for everyone.
Short visits rarely work well for pre-teenagers but sometimes teenagers do like the opportunity for a quick meal with
the other parent or a chance to chat when their siblings are not around, before returning home to finish homework etc.
In general older children do better with fewer transitions back and forth between parents.
FIXING PROBLEMS
If your child(ren) is/are having a hard time with the frequency and timing of going back and forth:
1) Ask their suggestions, if they are old enough to tell you.
2) Arrange the pick-up/return on "neutral territory" to avoid negative parent interaction, in front of the children
e.g. school, library, friend's house.
3) Do not assume that the other parent is at fault for difficulties and stop or shorten visits unless there is evidence
of abuse or neglect.
4) Consider lengthening short visits.
5) Make sure you are not badmouthing the other parent which is likely to make your child anxious.
Condensed from Don't Divorce Your Children (Lewis & Sammons, Contemporary 1999)
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