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In their attempt to come to terms with their parents' divorce many kids ask what the divorce agreement actually says. From
the child's perspective the document comes to define life at the moment, and life in the future, so it's unsettling when they
are kept in the dark about it's terms. They know that this piece of paper restricts their freedom, limits their financial
resources, stifles flexibility, and causes friction between their parents. They know it took time and money to devise. They
know it specifies when they will be where, and how much money each parent has to spend--the latter being perhaps most important
of all.
Yet parents will rarely discuss the details, although they intimate that they are cast in stone. Following all the turmoil
during the separation, this hardly makes children optimistic or more trusting of their parents. More than one child has remarked
that this may be a settlement, but it rarely ever sounds like an agreement.
To be told that they can't see this document, read it, or be privy to its contents -- when it's quite plain even to a
five-year-old that this will be the "Bible of Life" -- generates a broad range of reactions. Rarely are any positive.
Withdrawal, anger, confusion, hostility are typical and expectable.
Many parents tell their children the legal details of the document are "Too complicated", or say "You wouldn't
understand". Other parents try to get themselves off the hook by hiding behind the authority of the court. They are prone
to say there is no point in reading the agreement as they can't change it once the judge has made the decision. Having had
their lives abruptly turned on tilt, children have difficulty coping with the concept of an unaccountable and unknown authority
like The Judge or The Courts. It makes life feel threatening and leaves them distrustful of their parents' ability to control
the future. It is even more confusing when they discover the truth, which is that their parents, not the court, actually decided,
or at least agreed to, the provisions. As more than one child has remarked, "I dont get it. If you made the rules why
cant you change them?"
The best way to answer your childrens' questions about the future is to read the document with them.
WHY SHARE THE DIVORCE AGREEMENT WITH YOUR CHILDREN?
-- Reading the settlement helps children look to the future with a sense of certainty and decreases the fear that parents
are hiding something even more dire than the divorce.
-- Letting your children read the settlement agreement lets them know there are rules which govern your actions post-divorce
which you have agreed you are legally bound to obey.
-- Even for the young child who wants the document read to him/her -- and that usually lasts for about two paragraphs
since most kids think it's very boring -- just hearing it and seeing it are reassuring.
WHEN YOU HAVE DECIDED TO GO AHEAD:
1) Make sure you have a document that is written in plain English, not "lawyerese;" it will be easier to explain
and leave less room for misinterpretation in the future.
2) Don't hide behind the agreement. If there are sections neither you nor your child like, explain your point of view
and how it differs from your ex-spouse's. Rather than criticize the other parent, have the child talk to him or her directly,
but forewarn the other parent!
3) Be prepared to answer your child's questions and criticisms, especially if there was no prior discussion about scheduling,
transitions, or finances. Children often have good ideas which deserve consideration.
4) Try to minimize loyalty conflicts. Many children will think a certain provision unfair, either because they don't like
it, or the provision makes them feel as if they're being forced to choose between parents.
5) Tell the truth.
Condensed from Don't Divorce Your Children (Lewis & Sammons, Contemporary 1999)
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