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Having made the decision to separate and/or divorce, parents immediately face a series of difficult choices: whom to tell?
There are separate issues to consider about which family members to inform and in what order, when and whom to tell at work,
etc., but most important to your children may be communicating with the school.
SCHOOL:
Carefully consider when to inform the school. Sometimes the classroom teacher, sometimes the principal, sometimes a guidance
counselor can be of invaluable support. Many schools hold informal lunch groups to talk about family issues and growing-up
questions. If the school is aware of the family problems they can encourage your child's participation before the emotional
roller-coaster hits. Groups such as these offer children a place to air their feelings when times get tough.
Many parents decide not to risk telling the school until they are ready to tell the children in case the news leaks. However,
teachers and school personnel often see changes in behavior and academic performance before the children, or they, are told.
If the children are reacting negatively to the emotional climate at home the teachers, if not informed, may misinterpret the
child's change in behavior, or slipping academic performance, and draw unfair conclusions. An adversarial relationship may
result at just the wrong time, when the child needs understanding, rather than pushing. If teachers are kept in the dark as
to the home situation a poor grade or a call to conference with the teacher may be the first warning the parents get that,
while they have been keeping their impending separation secret, their child's academic and social well-being has been compromised.
Parents, children, and teachers can be caught in an uncomfortable situation-- the parents realizing too late they have unwittingly
created a problem by not keeping the school informed.
Once you have separated it is important to communicate to the school that, as parents, you both want to stay involved.
The school needs to duplicate all report cards, school notices, calendars, etc. and send one to each of you, as well as make
arrangements for separate teacher conferences if necessary. Be prepared to make these requests more than once, in person and
in writing -- and keep making them at the beginning of each year so you both stay in the loop. The request from each parent
should ask that both parents be included and provide mailing addresses and/or e-mail contact numbers for each as appropriate.
THE REST OF THE COMMUNITY:
Because of the need to discuss your life crisis with someone other than your spouse, it is unlikely that your kids will
be the first people to know, but it is important to ensure that they are not the last, and that they hear the bad news from
you, their parents, not through friends or gossip.
Friends and family, if informed in a timely manner, can help you build the support system your children will need. Your
children, like you, need access to people who will be supportive, so try to think of the teachers, coaches, and family members
with whom they have a good relationship, and increase their contact with these adults. Don't forget the kids will need people
to talk to and have fun with when you're not available, or at your best. They need adult relationships in which they feel
valued, regardless of the state of the family.
Your children will also probably want to take refuge in peer relationships. Try not to make plans which meet your own
needs for time with them if it means that they will have less time for activities with others their own age. In anticipation
of the separation parents can successfully set up support systems for the future by getting the kids involved in athletics,
gymnastics, Brownies/Scouts, or social activities sponsored by community or peer groups. It may be better not to immediately
tell all the parents of your kids' friends what is about to happen but do try to set up more play dates -- maybe sleepovers
or weekend activities -- in the weeks before and after the separation. For the adolescent who wants to hide everything, your
setting an example will work better than strident advice to not isolate themselves. On the other hand, while they may not
talk to friends verbally, often e-mail and instant messaging can serve to create a very effective support network.
1) Carefully judge which family members you inform. Allegiances and affection don't always follow blood lines.
2) Without disclosing your personal reasons it is possible to arrange more social contacts for your children with their
peers and other adults who care about them, or will take an interest in them, thereby broadening their support network for
the days ahead when they will really need it.
3) Check your school's resources to see if there are ways the staff can work with you to help prepare the kids. Teachers,
when informed in a timely manner, have less chance of misinterpreting new behaviors and can be a stabilizing influence.
4) No matter how careful you are, once the decision to separate/divorce has been made, it's highly unlikely you can keep
it secret from the kids for more than four to six weeks.
Condensed from Don't Divorce Your Children (Lewis & Sammons, Contemporary 1999)
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