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Reassurance
During times of stress and turmoil parents want to be able to say something positive to make children feel safe and secure.
This need is especially pressing during periods of heightened uncertainty, such as when a parent is planning to leave the
family home. Words can indeed soothe children, especially younger ones, but their effect cannot last unless subsequent actions
and events validate what has been said. Significant acting talent is required to get away with blanket reassurances such as
Everything will be OK, when your life is in shambles because of a divorce (especially if you dont want one), the level of
adult hostility is intolerable, or your spouse is leaving for unknown reasons, or adultery. Telling the grade schooler or
the adolescent dont worry is fruitless when youve let them know you cant stop yawning at dinner because youre awake thinking
about things most of the night.
Unfortunately, when blanket reassurances fail to work, it is tempting to explain what is happening by putting the blame
on the other parent. Opting for such a destructive strategy gives the clear message to your children that they need to take
sides. Children well understand the significance of taking sides. They make hard social choices every day in a world where
being on the winning side seems critically important. They often live with the consequences of a bad decision. So as their
family splits apart, feeling pressure to take sides and deciding which side to take, increases anxiety, guilt, and stress.
If they are told the truth children handle uncertainty and unpredictability better than adults give them credit for. If
you do not know the answers to their questions, say so. Even the best intentioned deceit does not play well over time. In
the midst of divorce children long to be able to trust what you say.
ESPECIALLY WHEN THE FUTURE IS UNCERTAIN:
1) Children need to voice their concerns. Being told not to worry or someone will always take care of you can stifle their
willingness to share their viewpoint, leaving them feeling vulnerable, rather than seeing they have any control over their
lives.
2) Kids know when you are worried - they see the changes in your behavior. Talking about your concerns makes it easier
for them to talk about their feelings.
3) Limit your reassurance to words which can match your actions and your ability to carry through with your promises.
4) Being a good parent does not mean you have all the answers. Tell the truth. Fabrication, no matter how well-intentioned,
or how good the words sound at the moment, always leads to distrust and recrimination.
5) Try to include the children in the process of building a new life. Helping them understand the dilemmas does not require
making them a confidant. Letting them have a voice in certain decisions, such as where to live when there is a choice, gives
them a sense that things really are being worked out, even when there are no simple black and white answers.
6) Don't underestimate the degree to which children think about the implications of what is happening. They worry about
their own future and they worry about how each parent will manage without the other.
7) Remember that even long after the divorce decree has been granted, children who have come to trust in your truthfulness
are more likely to want to work with you than against you.
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