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Amidst all the turmoil and difficulties that most parents encounter during a divorce, one of the most difficult situations
to handle is when children blame themselves. Expressed directly --"If I hadn't caused all those arguments would you still
be getting a divorce?" -- or indirectly -- "If I do all the chores and get good grades will you two get back together
again?" Such statements are common among children age four and above.
What should a parent do? Most children want reassurance that they did not cause the divorce, but simply telling them that
often ends the conversation before it begins and makes the child feel like you dont want to hear his/her thoughts or feelings.
Reassurance may be called for as the last step, but it should not be the first. It can be illuminating, at the very least,
to encourage your child to talk about exactly what he/she heard and what is his/her perception of what "I did to cause
this". Equally important are your childs perceptions about what can be done to "ix things up. Listening can be one
of the best learning/teaching opportunities in the whole divorce experience. It gives you a chance to understand what your
child is thinking, and offer your own point of view, without necessarily contradicting or undermining that of your child (see
examples below). Hopefully, the more parents and children talk, the less the children are likely to feel at fault.
Fault is a difficult issue and your own perceptions of who is, or was, to blame for the break-up of your marriage may
change over time. Early on, life itself may be confusing, and most adults alternate between blaming themselves, and blaming
the other parent, when neither is constructive. The following are some exchanges which demonstrate how to stay focused on
making sure your child doesnt trap himself in this circle of blame while trying to discover who is the "bad guy":
Me, Dad, or Mom?
In the examples below a "shut-down" response will rapidly terminate the conversation, but not be reassuring
to your child. The"talk it out" response leaves room for your child to understand better and return to the subject
at a later date.
EXAMPLE 1: "Daddy left because of me"
Child: I always make Daddy angry.... Isn't that why he left?
Parent (shut-down response ) You shouldn't think like that. That's not why Daddy left.
Parent (talk it out response): It's true that sometimes you did make Daddy angry. And sometimes we made you angry. But
that happens in every family. You also made us each very happy, and you still do. What happened was that Dad and I were always
feeling angry with each other. We were never able to resolve things between ourselves. You did a lot better than we did. When
we told you we were angry because you were getting home too late, you actually started to get home on time. So you didn't
make Dad leave. Dad was angry about many things, and that was part of why he left. I'm not sure he or I understand it all,
but we'll keep trying to explain it to you because neither one of us believes that you caused this.
EXAMPLE 2: "I made you break up"
Child: I feel like I caused you and Mom to split up.
Parent (shut-down response): That's just not true. You shouldn't feel like it's your fault.
Parent (talk it out response): I understand you do feel guilty. But I know you aren't. I don't blame you and neither does
your Mom. Is there something we said, or either of us did, that makes you think, or feel, you caused our problem?
EXAMPLE 3: "I took up all your time and attention."
Child: I think I caused the divorce because you and Dad never have any time together. When Dad wasn't traveling, and he
was home, you spent all your time with me.
Parent (shut-down response): That's not true.
Parent (talk it out response): We did spend a lot of time with you. But that's because your Dad and I both wanted to do
that. Maybe we should have spent more time together but we could have done that and spent as much time with you. I'm sure
if we had it to do over again we'd still spend just as much time with you. I'm not sure I understand everything that happened
between your Dad and me, but I'll explain what I can. Hopefully it will help you see that you didn't cause us to separate,
although I can see how you might think that.
Condensed from Don't Divorce Your Children (Lewis & Sammons, Contemporary 1999)
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