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Every divorcing parent faces a dilemma of how to tell the children about the decision. There is no easy way to do this, but
there are ways to make hearing the news easier for the children.
WHAT TO SAY:
The single most important element is the truth. That doesn't necessarily mean disclosing everything--if for no other reason
than you will have to limit how much you say to accommodate the limited attention span of your children. In the few minutes
you've got, let them know:
--Why you are separating.
--Are you definitely getting a divorce, legally separating or temporarily living apart? If it's either of the latter
two it's reassuring to the children to be told how you intend to work it out, and how long you think it might take before
you can be more definite about what will happen to the marriage.
--What is the immediate impact on their lives? Will they stay in the same house? Which parent will live with them?
--When, how, and where will they see the parent who is moving out? How will they stay in contact?
HOW TO SAY IT:
It usually works best if parent do this together. Usually the parent who is leaving the house takes the lead. Nobody
ever feels they do a perfect job. The children may interrupt; your spouse may interrupt. You may not end up saying what you
planned, but do not lie. If you're tempted to concoct a story on the fly, if you veer off the truth in an effort to make yourself
look better in their eyes, children will see through it for the elaborate scam it is.
--Be succinct, simple, and clear, but be honest about your emotions because they affect how you say the words.
--Avoid blanket reassurances about the future.
--Give them a believable reason for what happened in the relationship, or why you personally made this decision.
--Stick to the truth and don't embroider in order to look like the good guy.
GENERAL GUIDELINES:
Telling the kids about your decision may be the most important performance in your life. Take the time to think about
it and make the necessary preparations to answer their questions about living arrangements, continuing contact, and when they're
going to next see, and how often thereafter they'll spend time with, the parent who no longer will live with them.
--Ideally both parents should tell the kids together.
--Tell the truth and nothing but the truth. That doesn't mean that everything has to be disclosed, but don't make statements
that have to be retracted later on.
--Give them a reason for the divorce that makes sense to a kid. Statements like "We want to stop fighting, and we
haven't been able to do that despite all our efforts" is much better than "We can't get along anymore."
--Extra-marital affairs should not be hidden, nor should they be the focus when telling the children of the decision to
separate
--Expect the process to take two days, and even then it won't be over. Stay flexible, keeping both parents available,
letting the kids talk with whom they want rather than setting a schedule.
--Let the children visit where the departing parent will be living, choose new bed-linens/comforters, bring a few clothes
or toys over, or at the very least see where it is.
--If you are the parent who is leaving, don't just disappear. Fix a date for the next time you'll get together and make
sure everyone has all the specifics, e.g. e-mail addresses, phone numbers, fax number, contact addresses.
Condensed from Don't Divorce Your Children (Lewis & Sammons, Contemporary 1999)
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