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It is most families experience that short visits don't go smoothly, especially when time is pressured (having to get to school
on time) or parent-to-parent handovers are involved and the children are affected by the tensions between parents. If you
are the residential parent it is hard to work around two transitions occurring within a few hours of each other. If you are
the non-residential parent you will be faced with the daunting task of creating quality time with your children in so short
a period that it barely allows them to equilibrate to the change in parent, let alone relax and enjoy themselves. Children
who endure short visits often state that they just feel like pawns in their parents game. While the total time allotment
with each parent may be fair, when it is chopped up into short visits the structure usually makes the time frustrating for
everyone concerned.
1) Dividing time with your children is not just a matter of apportioning hours. It is important to ensure that whatever
time is available to each parent is allocated in emotionally rewarding blocks of time.
2) For most parent--child relationships this means a minimum of 48 hours on a weekend, or overnight on weekdays. The shorter
the duration, especially less than three hours, the higher the likelihood of emotional frustration and acting out.
3) If time is tight or the visit is short, try to agree on optimizing the logistics; for example, calling before you leave
to pick up the children so they can be ready when you get there or picking them up at the end of school.
4) Try not to blame the other parent for inadequacies in the time allocations. This forces children to take sides and
invites them to start thinking who they would rather be with.
5) Short visits may be beneficial for very young infants and young toddlers who tend to be awake for 3-4 hour periods.
Short visits, such as a weeknight dinner, can also provide valuable individual time for the older child, especially the adolescent
who may have concerns and issues you prefer not to discuss in front of younger siblings.
Rest assured, it is possible to come up with a schedule which meets everyone's needs so that time together is enjoyable.
Look back at what has and has not worked so far, and you'll probably see that the visits which are less than overnight, and
shorter than two nights on weekends, are the ones which cause problems for both parents and your children.
Condensed from Don't Divorce Your Children (Lewis & Sammons, Contemporary 1999)
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