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If men are from Mars and women from Venus what planet are children from and what language do they speak? If you believe adults have difficulty understanding each other, try deciphering the thought processes of your kids, whether they be toddlers or teenagers. They make illogical connections between things they hear and see, convinced their logic is faultless; they use words to mean what they want them to mean, and assume we understand; they expect their parents to be mindreaders, and are angry when the ESP fails.

No wonder that in pediatric practice we see kids every day who feel they are misunderstood, misinterpreted and, especially following a divorce, misled. Children complain that their parents don't listen and worse, stop them from voicing their point of view. This happens when parents assume they know what their kids are thinking, or are going to say, and with all good intentions "finish" their sentences. This is hazardous to everyone concerned as kids see the world of divorce differently from their parents and need the opportunity to express themselves in their own words. You may not always be comfortable with what your children do or say but it is important to examine the meaning behind their statements or behaviors, in order not to miss the real message.

Kid: If I could just read the divorce agreement then I'd understand...
Parent: It's too complicated. Even I don't know what it means.

ANALYSIS: When there are disagreements about the schedule or support payments children, even at four or five, want to know what the rules are, especially if one parent seems to interpret them one way and the other parent says something entirely different. They come to feel controlled by an invisible force called "the agreement" rather than the more familiar authority of their parents. Children tell us they want to see the piece of paper and know a few specifics e.g., "When does the agreement say I can be with Mom or Dad?"; "If Mom claims to have no money and Dad complains the support checks are making him go broke-how much does he pay?" "Who is responsible for paying for college since I'm applying this year?" Parents fear some secret will be disclosed, or compromises revealed, but by withholding access to the document they only heighten their children suspicions and make them feel manipulated.

SUGGESTION: Make up a plain English version of the legal document you feel comfortable giving your children that specifies the visitation schedule and why that division of time was agreed to; the basics of support payments; provisions for college tuition; and funding of extracurricular activities.

Kid: Gee, Dad the stereo you gave me is great, but I still wish you hadn't. I wish you hadn't missed all those weekends...
Parent: Do you know what that thing cost me?

ANALYSIS: Minutes mean more than dollars to children. They all love gifts, but in the aftermath of divorce they say they often feel trapped, especially by expensive gifts. They don't want to feel bought off. They want to feel like they mean more than money, especially if finances have been the source of ongoing conflict since the divorce. When an expensive gift means a support check is late, or foregone entirely, then their pleasure is spoiled by feeling guilty about the hardship this causes. When parents start to compete with gifts, children complain to us that loyalty choices burden their lives, and as parents work longer to earn more and buy more, time with each parent diminishes even further.

SUGGESTION: Don't pretend that a gift is a sufficient substitute for time together. Listen to what your children are feeling and apologize for time missed. Making the time together important enough not to miss is worth more to your children than any price tag.

Kid: Mom, I was wondering....... could I skip next weekend with you so I could go to a birthday party at...
Parent: Don't you know how much I look forward to you coming? You see your friends in school every day . Why do you have to go to the party on my time?

ANALYSIS: Every child says there are times when they want to miss a visit with the nonresidential parent to do something else--go to a party, accept a playdate,
watch a friend's little League game--and they fret to us that they often don"t even raise it because they don't want to hurt that parent's feelings. They know their parent may feel lonely or rejected, but they resent being made to feel guilty for wanting to spend time with peers like their friends do. The parent who gives them more flexibility and who understands the need for social time with the peer group will be rewarded, even though the actual time spent with the child may decrease. The parent who places his or her own needs first will be met with increasing resentment and more requests to spend time apart despite the legal visitation schedule.

SUGGESTION: Make sure you respect your children's need to identify with and spend time with their friends as they get older. If competing interests are
infringing on your time together consider re-structuring the schedule, or look for other activities that will pull you together and may be continued during the week (movie reviews, computer art, model building, etc.) Just refusing their requests will not bring you closer.

Kid: But I know the divorce is my fault, and I promise you I'll stop...
Parent: How many times have I told you it's not your fault. Stop saying that!

ANALYSIS: Parents say these things to make their children feel better, but it rarely works. The children who feel worried or anxious that they are at fault, say they can't listen to the reassuring words until they have had a chance to voice why they feel so guilty. Letting your children talk gives you the opportunity to help them understand that past arguments about them or their activities didn't cause their parents not to love each other. This is one case where the word fault means something different to children, and parents can teach them about how relationships really work and why they come apart.

SUGGESTION: Reassurance may be appropriate at the end of a conversation, after your children have had their say about what they feel and have voiced their concerns, but should not be used to close down the conversation. The best reassurance is the truth.