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Ten Guidelines for Parents

1. TELL THE TRUTH

Your story has to stand the test of time. Your children's trust in your truthfulness is key to helping them cope with the changing life situations divorce brings. You will be asked many questions. If you genuinely don't know, tell them that, along with the steps you are taking to have answers soon. If they ask you an embarrassing question don't lie to make yourself look good.

2. BE WILLING TO REVISE THE SCHEDULE

Over time schedules need to be altered, especially the one designed in the heat of the emotions involved in the initial separation/divorce. Instead of trying to get it right first time set up a "trial period" for six or twelve months. See what's good about it. Find out who it doesn't work for. Listen to what the kids say. If it needs modifying for the sake of the children--do it without resorting to legal battles.

3. AVOID SHORT VISITS

Short visits are frustrating for parents and children. Short visits disrupt the flow of the week. A midweek evening visit seldom offers enough time to get comfortable together before the sadness of parting takes over. Better to devise a schedule with long weekend visits or midweek overnights so there is time for more than "Hi" "Good-bye" and perhaps an ice-cream.

4. KEEP TWO PARENTS IN YOUR CHILDREN'S LIVES

Even if you no longer wish to speak to, or see, your spouse again, your children should be encouraged to continue spend time with you both. Badmouthing the other parent, even if his/her behavior is reprehensible, is upsetting to your children. Such comments don't reflect well on you.

5. SCHEDULE TELEPHONE CALLS

Telephone calls often come at an inconvenient time and are felt as an intrusion. Set a time when the kids can call you or a time they know you will call them, so you aren't interrupting dinner, a favorite TV show, or bathtime. When you are separated at weekends, a call first thing in the morning means nobody has to expectantly wait around. Don't encourage multiple daily phone calls--it may make them worry you are lonely.

6. STAY ACCESSIBLE TO YOUR CHILDREN

When families split up children fear they will lose contact with the parent they see less often and need reassurance that both parents will be accessible if necessary. With e-mail and fax available even in schools or neighbors' houses, and beepers and cell phones being common place, any child above the age of three or four can be taught how to reach you. Make a laminated card for them with all the numbers/e-mail addresses.

7. LET YOUR CHILDREN READ THE SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT

Life after divorce is often confusing for your children. There are rules, limits, and schedules contained in the settlement agreement which did not exist before. Most children want to know what it says, so show it to them, or at least construct a version, in understandable language, which explains about time with each parent, how to change the schedule, and the financial provisions for living expenses, extracurricular activities, and college tuition.

8. LISTEN TO YOUR CHILDREN WHEN THEY SAY THEY CAUSED THE DIVORCE

Let them talk it out. Often they know they were the focus of many arguments between parents and are convinced it was their bad behavior or demands that caused the split up. The more you understand about the way they see the situation the better able you are to help them see they weren't at fault and relieve them of the burden of trying to undo the divorce by "trying to be good".

9. AVOID BLANKET REASSURANCE

Divorce is tough on everyone and parents want to make it better for their children. But words like "Don't worry" and "I'll always be here" are too vague and usually shut down any dialogue. Allow them to tell you their worst fears. Acknowledge you have fears too so they feel less isolated. Stay truthful and reliable and available. Your presence in their lives is their most important reassurance.

10. DON'T USE YOUR CHILDREN AS MESSENGERS

It is tempting to speak as little as possible to your ex-spouse but it is impossible to cease all communication and not leave your children in the middle. Requests for late support payments and requests for changes in the schedule should not go through your children. Nor should they be used as spies to report back on an estranged parent's social life or habits.