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Residential vs. Non-Residential Parenting

Over the twenty years that we have been working with divorced families from all areas of the country we have been increasingly aware of the difficulty that these parents have maintaining close relationships with their children. We have come to think of the problem as "divorcing the children."

Initially we believed this was primarily a problem for fathers caused by the infrequent visitation rights they were permitted. In the early 90's, as
fathers were granted more time with their children, surprisingly the phenomenon did not disappear. We ascribed its continuation to the fact that, although there was more contact, many men were inexperienced with parenting and perhaps unwilling to take on a truly nurturing role. But in the 1990's more and more fathers took on the nurturing role quite successfully -- by their own assessment, that of their children, and even in the judgement of their ex-wives! -- yet these men still felt like something was missing in their parent-child relationships.

This feeling of being disconnected from the children was not limited to men. Mothers, who often spent the majority of time with the children, complained of the same thing. Some of these women had chosen or been forced to change their lives in that they had new jobs, new male relationships and anticipated having to struggle to maintain the relationship with their kids, but others were spending much of their time as "at home mothers" whose day-to-day activities differed little from what they were before the divorce.

Increasingly mothers and fathers alike blamed this feeling of being divorced from their children on being the "residential" or "non-residential" parent. Neither role seemed to feel right.

Because of the limited access to the children, non-residential parents often described feeling at a disadvantage:

--They were often angry, believing that the living arrangements and the visitation schedule made "divorcing" their kids inevitable.

--They felt out of touch/out of date with the kids and often got accused of "not caring" since they were never there on the nights before the big test/big date or missed the "wrong" soccer game.

--The non-residential parent was often envious of all the time the other parent had with the kids and jealous of the residential parent's privilege of making the day-to-day decisions.



Conversely, residential parents felt equally disadvantaged:

--They often feared the kids loved the non-residential parent more because the visits were treated as an opportunity for "play time".

--They resented being stuck with laundry, helping with homework, making sure the chores were finished and never seemed to have enough time for fun.

--They felt burdened, rather than privileged, that they had to make all the tough decisions and set the rules.


Meanwhile, the kids were caught in the middle of this wondering "Why are they feeling so sorry for themselves? What about me?" During the eighties and nineties we've recurrently heard parents making a case for why "I've got it so tough" while the other parent "gets a free ride".

We don't buy it. Parenting is not easy. Neither parent has a free ride; the challenges are just different for the residential parent and the non-residential parent, both need to work hard to prevent becoming distant from their kids. In Don't Divorce Your Children, and throughout this web site, we provide parents with insights and suggestions which encourage them to move beyond the break-up of their marriage but not divorce their children in the process.