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Giving Children An Appropriate Voice

Following the decision to separate and long after the legal process of divorce is complete parents struggle with trying to decide how much they should listen to their children's opinions as they make decisions. Many fear that giving the children a chance to speak obligates them to let the child get his or her way, so they are reluctant. Yet without giving the child a chance to speak they miss important input and the children often feel unimportant and helplessly out of control. It is possible to give children an appropriate voice and to include them in the decision making process while maintaining the adult prerogative to say "No".

KEEPING YOUR CHILD IN THE LOOP:

If, as it seems, we cannot alter the divorce rate, we can at least attempt to decrease its negative effect on the children. Too many adults, parents and professionals alike, although we "see," as in "notice" or "care about" children, do not actually encourage children of divorce to talk and even less frequently do we listen carefully. Hence it is no wonder that the kids often believe they are ignored and indignantly, but correctly maintain that the system, legal or parental, doesn't ask for their opinions.

Children are too often kept in the shadows. Often the excuse is that we are protecting them, but maybe we are doing them a disservice. Maybe we are denying them the information they need to help them cope successfully, or depriving them of the chance to voice their own thoughts and feelings. We rationalize our exclusion of the children by claiming that they are too young to understand or too much information will be a burden. From what they say to us as pediatricians, it seems they crave not protection from information but more help in understanding the random bits of information and intuition they accumulate.

A VOTE--BUT NOT THE RIGHT TO MAKE DECISIONS

In conversation with hundreds of children, it is clear that they want a chance to be heard on all sorts of topics and to be included in the decision making process. That is not the same as saying they want or should have the right to make the final decision in all matters. They merely want someone to listen to and acknowledge their point of view.

It sounds simple but it is not. What they have to say is often painful to listen to. It is angry, sad, cynical, disillusioned and sometimes flat out wrong. It is full of blame--of self and of others. Full of false hopes about the possibilities of reconciling parents. Full of waiting and hoping and scheming and trying --and usually failing-- to alter the world around them. It is also full of mistrust of adults, of skepticism about promises made, and questions -"why?" and "why not?"

What we are NOT saying, however, is that the kids should call the shots. We're around kids--we know that they can be manipulative, they are naive, and they often act in irrational ways. Although they need adult help in making crucial decisions, excluding the school age child or the teenager from discussion about issues that affect their day-to-day lives is pure folly. Such exclusion creates problems, often leading to kids and parents feeling alienated from each other. We are convinced that it is better to at least know what children think about the visitation timetable, holiday plans, or telephone privileges even if what they would like has to be denied. Not being asked makes children feel like they don't count and makes life seem more out of control. The adults ultimately make the best decisions when they listen to the children, but giving kids a voice doesn't mean that they always get what they want.