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Building on the Strengths of Children

All parents harbor one haunting fear when considering divorce--that they'll inevitably screw-up their children. This concern has been intensified by articles in magazines and newspapers about the developmental, social, and economic costs for the children of divorce. We do not underestimate the traumatic nature of divorce for children, but over the past twenty years of pediatric practice we have been impressed that children have many qualities that serve them well during difficult times. If parents can work with these strengths of their children, many of the day to day struggles can be avoided and the long term consequences minimized.

CHILDREN ARE RESILIENT
Children frequently have an even greater capacity than their parents to adapt to changes in their lives, perhaps because they have less fixed ideas of what life will or should bring. The one expectation that they do have, however, is that they will always have two parents who love them, care about them and can be relied on to be there in good times and bad. No parents whether married, separated, or divorced should do anything to threaten this basic foundation block of a child's emotional growth and development.

CHILDREN ARE TRUSTING
If children are treated with the respect they deserve they will cooperate with adults rather than act out against them. Divorce threatens a child's sense of trust, especially when parents lie to make themselves look good. As divorce turns their children's world upside down, parents have to be scrupulously careful to tell the truth in order to maintain credibility in the months and years to come. When a child finds out that his parents have lied to him, he loses not only his willingness to trust their word but perhaps his ability in adult life to trust anyone.

CHILDREN ARE FLEXIBLE
Children are tremendously adaptable, after-all their whole life is about change. But unpredictability imposed on them makes them feel very vulnerable. Last minute cancellations of an eagerly awaited parental visit, or missed telephone calls, are not readily forgiven. If parents know a change in plan is inevitable, children appreciate a call and an apology before the event rather than an expensive present as an afterthought. If you need to change where your children live or go to school, involve them in the planning so they can be active participants.

CHILDREN HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR
Children see the funny side of situations, so don't be offended when your kids laugh at your faux pas-- whether you "burned" the water or can't do the math homework. Laugh at yourself and their "criticism" of you is likely to stay good natured as well.

CHILDREN ARE PERCEPTIVE
Children come to remarkably accurate assessments of their parents, especially if one or other is deceitful, unfaithful, a substance abuser, or physically violent. It is painful enough for them to see the imperfections in their parents--they do not need those faults thrown in their face by the other parent. Bad-mouthing the other parent, setting up loyalty choices, or using your children to spy on your ex, will not enhance their opinion of you, and in the long run will lead to resentment and distancing.

CHILDREN ARE SUPPORTIVE
In response to a divorce, sibling relationships often become closer as they share the same emotionally charged family situation. Children also want to feel needed by their parents rather than in the way. When parents avoid making excessive demands on their kids to support them, and when requests for help are fair, children will often willingly undertake new responsibilities at home to help a struggling parent and often feel proud of this new role. However, if the child becomes "indispensable" as a parent's helper or "a best buddy" then the inappropriate parental expectations become a burden.

CHILDREN ARE CURIOUS
Given half a chance children will ask questions. However if their questioning is stopped by false reassurances or embarrassed silences they will retreat into their own world of fantasy and become less available to participate in solving real world day to day problems with you.

CHILDREN CAN BUILD NEW RELATIONSHIPS
Making friends is an essential task of childhood. Peer groups can be supportive and provide the buffer children need against the instability of their lives in the months following divorce. Encouraging new relationships and activities is productive, even if these cut in to time for you and your children to be together.

CHILDREN CAN DEVELOP NEW INTERESTS
Sometimes divorce provides an opportunity for one parent or the other to establish a strong bond with their child through a joint hobby or interest, whether it be photography or fishing. Alternatively if neither parent has much time to spare, enrolling the children in a new sports or arts activity introduces them to other children and interested adults at a time when they need outside resources the most.