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A Mismatch of Points of View

CHILD #1 (aged 6) "I so wish I could come to your party, Lissie. I know everyone else will be there but Mom says it's too far to come for just a few hours."

MOM #1 "I feel bad telling her she can't go to Melissa's on Saturday, but I only get to see her every other weekend and by then she really needs a bit of mothering."

CHILD #2 (aged 8) "But Dad you promised you'd take me fishing this weekend. If we can't go, can't I just hang out with you at your place anyway? You keep telling me to make friends there, and I want to. Next weekend won't work. I'm meant to be going to Grandma's with Mom."

DAD #2 "This visitation schedule is driving me crazy. I arrange a special trip which Ron would love and he won't come because of Grandma??!"

CHILD #3 (aged 11) "Do I have to go to Dad's this weekend?? I've still got homework to finish, and he always wants to check over everything I do. It makes me really mad with him. Besides I missed one practice with the band this week already. I just want to have a little fun."

DAD #3 "I'm worried about his falling grades. Ever since I moved out Mary says he's been failing tests or playing the drums all the time. At least the weekend gives us two days when I can sit and help him with his work."

If you look at the statements above, the first thing that is obvious is that these three children would far rather be allowed to spend some of their weekend in the company of their peers than all of it in the company of their parents. It is also clear that each of these three parents honestly believes it would be in their children's best interest for them to spend all the time together. This difference in perspective between parents and children occurs in all families, but for children in divorced families these differences frequently give rise to feelings in children that the parent cares more about him/herself than them.

It is easy to see how this happens as there is an element of truth in the children's interpretation. Non-residential parents miss having their children around and frequently feel critical of the way their spouse is influencing their children's progress. Deprived of the everyday type of parent interactions they had grown to depend on, the visitation times take on extra emotional significance. These times are indeed important and need to be protected, but as children get older their need for peer support and being included in peer activities become increasingly important.

The quotes above illustrate how in considering the situation from their own adult perspective parents often forget that their children may have different priorities.

Mom #1 clearly misses her daughter and the mothering role only she can offer, but in wanting to give more of herself, she is depriving her daughter of feeling part of her peer community on which she is dependent for her day to day happiness.

Dad #2 wants to offer his son a special experience and is forgetting that what is really valued by his son is spending one on one time with his father. What they do with the time is less important than being able to count on his Dad to want to just "be" with him, and to keep the commitment to be together when the child planned on it. Asking the boy to skip seeing Grandma adds insult to injury since it creates multiple loyalty binds and it puts his son right in the center of an interparental argument.

Dad #3 is feeling guilty that he has precipitated an academic tailspin by moving out. His genuine concern is perceived as disapproval by his son and his insistence on helping with homework only confirms his son's suspicion that his Dad is disappointed in him. No wonder the weekend is nothing to look forward to.

WHAT CAN BE DONE TO PREVENT MISUNDERSTANDINGS?

(1) When devising a visitation schedule be aware that it is likely to have to be modified in the first weeks and months as your children settle into the changes in their life that parental separation brings. It will also need to be changed as your children move from preschool to elementary school on into high school and their activities consume significant portions of every day--seven days a week. It is not realistic to believe otherwise.

(2) If your children are old enough, say four or above, they will feel you are truly concerned about them if you invite them to comment on the schedule and allow them to point out difficulties they have fitting in their activities or worries they have about staying in contact with both parents. Even younger kids should know exactly when each parent will be with them by having a calendar they can refer to.

(3) Once a schedule is in place don't spring surprise changes and last minute cancellations. Children need to know when they can count on seeing their parents. However, expect them to spring requests for flexibility on you, and try not to compete with their friends for time you can spend together.

(4) Many children are vulnerable to explicit or implicit criticism, especially if they feel that in some way they caused the divorce by their behavior, their needs, or their demands. "You're just like your Dad," is seldom a compliment if your ex is no longer welcome in your house and generates fear you could divorce them too. Criticizing the absent parent only increases internal conflicts for your children.

(5) Always tell your children the truth when answering their questions. How much you say will depend on their age and maturity, but don't say things you will have to retract later. Making yourself look good in their eyes with white lies is not a sound basis for future trust in what you say.

(6) Listen to your children and respect their point of view. Make them part of the solution instead of seeing them as the problem. Most parents are too busy trying to impress their kids, rather than simply listening to what their children want from them. You do not necessarily have to do exactly what they suggest, e.g. hang out at the playground all afternoon, or go to the video arcade, but letting them know you want to hear what is important to them is more likely to strengthen the relationship than telling them you've got it all figured out. Together you can overcome many of the problems divorce brings in its wake.