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What the Children Say:

Everyone else has a good time at Christmas so why not me? My parents know they are screwing up, and all they do is buy us more presents every year and think that will make it OK but that isn't the point. How do they expect us to enjoy ourselves? It's one big rush - 1/2 a day here, 1/2 a day there, no time to play with one set of presents before heading off for the next set. It's just a series of hellos and good-byes. That's not what Christmas is all about. (Mike aged 9)

The first year I thought Mom was putting on a show -- taking us to help at the soup kitchen on Christmas day. What kind of fun was that? I was worried she was telling us we were going to be in line there ourselves soon so if we didnt make sure Dad kept sending us the support checks. But this is the third time we've helped out and I now look forward to going back. At least we are doing something together and it makes Christmas special. (Fiona aged 14)

I feel bad for my Dad. Why does he have to be alone? It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving if I'm sad like this. Now Mom is acting sad, or mad, or both, because I'm ruining the day with my bad mood. Of course next year I'll be at Dad's house and probably feeling bad that Mom is alone. Why can't we all spend the day together? (Chris aged 7)

There are no more emotional months than November and December, heightened by the holidays of Thanksgiving, Kwanza, Hanukkah, and Christmas. Everyone wants to be happy and to share the joys of children caught up in the spirit. Everyone wants to be together as a family, including those parents and children who no longer live together following a divorce. Yet many feel lonely and disappointed during this time. But there is much parents can do to help themselves and their children through the Holiday season:

Make your Children your Focus
In their efforts to make the holidays a memorable, happy time, parents frequently focus on rituals or symbols of the season that matter less to their children than they do to themselves. Sure, all kids talk about the presents they are hoping to receive and the tree they want to decorate or the Hanukah songs and games they want to play, but most of all the children in separated families want to avoid feeling responsible for their parents happiness. They want to be the focus and be the special event, not the turkey, the tree, or the gift-wrap. For many, December is a great time just because they are on vacation from school and they have more time with their friends. For others it is a special time to spend with Mom or Dad, which feels very different from weekends, because their parents take time off from work and do child-centered activities.

Set Realistic Goals
Parents often make some crucial mistakes around holiday time. Because they want to provide consistency for their children they often get more invested in recreating the happiness of Thanksgiving or Christmas-past than in focusing on the experience they can provide their children in the present. This means that Dads often get focused on making elaborate turkey dinners (which inevitably go up in smoke) and Moms seek to watch football games (but end up asking too many questions that no one wants to answer). Trying too hard to achieve "perfection" they shatter the joyful mood and create an atmosphere of disappointment and longing. What follows are regrets and apologies and guilt, hardly the holiday spirit.

Make New Traditions
The reality is kids would settle for turkey burgers and time together at the bowling alley, over a day of apologies and regrets around a not-quite-right turkey dinner. They would rather a made-up song in English sung over the candles in the Menorah than an embarrassed silence because Mom doesnt remember the Hebrew words and tune of the Hanukah songs. For many families starting something new an activity, an outing--that gradually becomes their new holiday tradition cements the parent-child relationship following divorce. The goal to be reached is a happy time that you and the children both look forward to in the future and remember fondly in the past.



Tips for Keeping the Holiday Spirit Alive

1) Celebrate Thanksgiving with friends and/or family, rather than trying to celebrate alone with the children, trying to ignore that one parent is missing.

2) Fill the day with fun child-centered activities -- cooking projects, table decorating, etc., or go out bowling, or to a movie marathon, or their favorite restaurant.

3) Involve the children in the arrangements for the day and let them talk about what they want and what they miss

4) Don't split up Christmas Day if you can help it. Alternating the day every year with the other parent is often happier than dividing the time.

5) For families who attend church services on Christmas Eve and open presents over both days, Christmas Eve is really part of Christmas. Keep the whole time intact.

6) If you are splitting Christmas, having the other parent pick up the children from a special Christmas Eve event (e.g. Carol service, Midnight Mass, movie treat) is easier than transferring children on Christmas Day

7) Don't get into a spending competition for the "best" present with your ex-spouse.

8) Let your children take their gifts with them to the other parent's house if they want to, but don't be hurt if they decide not to.

9) If you used to help your children pick out gifts for their other parent before the divorce, then continue doing that. If you did not, then a reminder that they should think about what they are going to make or buy is preferable to a last minute panic on Christmas Eve.

10) Let children complete the Holiday rituals they enjoy and have shared with the other parent. If they started lighting Hanukkah candles at one house make sure you have a Menorah so they can continue at yours, even if it is not your tradition.

11) Kids will inevitably miss the other parent. If you can avoid feeling angry, resentful, or competitive, then everyone will have a more enjoyable time.

12) If it's not your turn to have the kids, don't make them feel guilty or disloyal for leaving you, by staying home alone like a martyr.

13) It's nice to talk on the phone if you are not together. Set a time that won't disrupt the day, and preferably have the kids call you. That way they will probably be more talkative and the conversation will be much more satisfying.

14) Since the December school holiday is usually divided, parents often end up seeing each other when the kids change homes. Say goodbye to the kids before the exchange. Keep the transition simple and make it quick. Angry doorstep exchanges between parents kill the mood of joy for any child.

15) Focus on the time together with your children. If you don't cook well, don't try to serve the fancy turkey dinner with all the trimmings. If it's hard to make a successful meal and be playful-- choose playful.