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Every divorcing parent has a myriad of concerns. "How will I manage without my spouse?" "Where will I live?" "Will I be lonely?" "How will I make ends meet?" "When will I get rid of these feelings of failure?" The list goes on and on, and is different for everyone depending on their individual circumstances. But one concern is common to everybody we have talked to, "Will my children be damaged by the divorce?"

This worry plagues parents and underlies most of the questions we are asked concerning handling children's behavior during and after divorce. Reflecting on our own experience as developmental pediatricians seeing hundreds of families in a primary care setting over a period of years, we are optimistic about the strengths and resilience of children and encouraged by the energy parents put into helping their children when they themselves are helped to understand their children's needs.

Many of the "mistakes" we see parents make occur when emotions--anger at the departing spouse, depression over the failure of the marriage, anxiety about financial security--and personal agendas--the desire to stay sexually active, the urgency to find a new partner--lead to inappropriate actions which have more to do with their own needs than their children's. Even when they are thinking about their kids' needs, parental behavior determined by guilt, the desire to "look good" in the eyes of their children, or their wish for the support and companionship--seldom serves the best interests of their children.

MISTAKES PARENTS MAKE:

1) Not listening to what their children say

There are many reasons for this, but it is the one complaint we hear repeatedly from children in the office. They feel frustrated when the worry being expressed is cut short by a well meaning "Don't worry. Your father and I will sort it out." Other children resent condescending answers like, "You're too young to really understand all this." Responding with, "Of course you didn't cause all this. I don't want you to think like that," unfortunately invalidates their feelings. Sometimes parents jump in too fast because they don't want to deal with the issue behind the child's statement. "I don't want to ever see Mom again," or "Can't I go to the party instead of seeing Dad this weekend?" or "It's not fair that I can't still go to ballet classes," all lead to highly emotional conversations which, although painful, should not be avoided. Often parents hide behind the divorce agreement saying that IT is the reason life feels so bad. But children inevitably want to know who made the agreement, and on finding both parents signed it they quickly lose sympathy for the defense.

2) Not Telling the Truth

In the emotional, physical, and financial chaos that follows the decision to separate, telling the truth to your children may not seem like a high priority, and may indeed appear to add complications to the situation. However, every time they tell their children a lie parents increase the risk that the child's trust in them, and what they say, will be diminished when that lie is discovered. It is far better to answer a question about the future with "I don't know yet," than hastily ad lib and then have to recant. Even when the only motive is to reassure the child, the lie will backfire in the end. Questions about marital infidelities, violence or substance abuse should be answered with more than "It's really none of your business." The children are less concerned with your image than with the fear that they can't trust you. Deceit leaves them wondering whether you are telling the truth when you say you really love them.

3) Cutting Off All Contact With the Other Parent

Many parents wish to have absolutely no contact with their ex-partner during, and even after, the divorce proceedings are completed. However, total lack of communication is incompatible with looking after the best interests of the children. The complications are many and the burdens severe since the children are expected to carry messages between parents which often puts them in the middle of visitation or financial disagreements. Messages like "Daddy says he can't pick me up at 6:00 on Friday afternoon and is coming at 7:00 on Saturday morning," are likely to elicit negative comments about Dad's reliability. Instructions such as "Tell your father he better send the support check or he won't get to see you next weekend," will create resentment and anxiety in any child. Many books advise co-parenting. However, even if that degree of cooperation is not realistic, when kids live in two homes it is essential for parents to keep each other informed about their children's changes in mood, important events, work commitments and social traumas, so both parents can be supportive. If talking leads to hostility, use fax or e-mail.

4) Making The Child Into a Buddy or Surrogate Spouse

Parents feel lonely when they separate and look to their children for companionship, comfort, reassurance, and help. Meanwhile their children are looking to them for the same support. The balance is tough, but although children can be expected to do more chores they should not be a servant or be asked to assume the decision-making responsibilities of the absent adult. Although they may enjoy an increase in your affection and attention, they cannot be expected to always reciprocate. Although they can be great companions and playmates, they also need and have a right to time withml';ir peers. Although they value a special relationship with each parent, they should not be required to keep secrets from either at the other's request.

5) Criticizing the Other Parent In Front of the Children

Just because parents have ceased to love, honor, and cherish each other does not mean the children have, or should be expected to, cease to love and care about both their parents. Repeated studies indicate that maintaining a strong bond with both parents protects children from many of the ill-effects of the divorce. Continuing to badmouth the absent parent forces the children to take sides and undermines their confidence in your enduring allegiance to them. You can disapprove of your ex-spouses behavior, but just as it is preferable to tell a child "You are acting badly," rather than "You are a bad child," so it is also better to frame your feelings about your spouse in terms of his/her behavior. The danger of criticizing the absent parent is compounded by the temptation to compare a child to the divorced parent. "You're just like your mother/father" is hardly reassuring when the child understands it was just those qualities of the other parent that caused you to split up.