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Wanted: Good Fathers

One of the saddest consequences of divorce for too many fathers and children is that they gradually lose contact with each other. Sometimes it is loss of physical contact, so they no longer see each other. Sometimes it is loss of emotional contact, so they no longer understand each other. Either way it is a preventable tragedy.

As developmental pediatricians who have worked with families across the country, we have seen the sadness and yearning this leaves in the children, and the guilt and loss for their fathers. Not only research, but common sense tells us that fathers play a vital role in the nurturing of their children at all developmental stages, so the more they can stay involved the better. Whether newly separated or divorced for many years, fathers need to have the courage to maintain a presence in their children's lives, even when it is painful, inconvenient, and heartbreaking. It is never acceptable to give up on them however hard the task. Children rarely give up on a parent, no matter how many promises have been broken, or how many faults discovered.

Maintaining Strong Father-Child Connections

Establishing and maintaining strong parent-child connections requires that fathers stay focused on their children in the midst of the inevitable turmoil of divorce. This is hard for many reasons: they typically have relatively little time with their children; time together is broken up into unusable short visits, so that anything more than "a movie-and-an-ice-cream" type interaction is difficult to arrange; in the short term many fathers are financially stressed, so they often end up working longer hours; and they frequently get the distinct impression from court decisions and society's biases that they are not as important to their kids' emotional welfare as their spouse.

Kids are often at the center of marital conflicts, and during the period leading up to the separation not only does the husband-wife relationship suffer, but the parent-child relationship often deteriorates as well. Children who live in the midst of emotional or physical strife know first-hand that relationships and emotions are vulnerable. They look to their parents to show them the way to repair and maintain any rifts that have occurred. If you lead the way by reaching out to them they will sooner or later follow. If you run from their displays of anger and disappointment, instead of helping them face their pain, they may well follow your example. However tempting it may be to jettison the past, and with it your children, it is an act of selfishness that haunts fathers and children for the rest of their lives.

Respecting Your Children's Role

In Don't Divorce Your Children we emphasize that the key to rebuilding shaky parent-child relationships is to encourage your children to take part in creating the solutions to the problems divorce has caused them. Most parents are too busy trying to impress their kids, by buying big gifts, going lax on discipline, telephoning frequently with nothing to say, etc. rather than simply listening to what their children want from them. Children tell us that they understand the "game" their parents are playing. While they may accept the gifts lavished on them, they all want a parent, especially the non-residential parent, to simply ask "What can I do for you?" The answer varies from child to child: some may respond "Buy me stuff that I want and let me do whatever I like," but others will make a simple request, " Can we just have one whole day when we hang out at home together, by ourselves?" You do not necessarily have to do what they suggest, but letting them know you want to hear what is important to them is more likely to strengthen the relationship than telling them you've got it all figured out. One of the consequences of divorce is that kids don't trust their parents. They tend to question their opinions and authority. If there is friction between you there's no harm in acknowledging that you don't see eye-to-eye, as long as you declare your willingness to look for ways to feel closer over time. Kids will make big allowances for parents and they will rebuild their trust in your word if your actions towards them prove they can count on you.

Finding Out What's Important in Your Children's Lives

The challenge to divorced fathers is the same faced by any parent: knowing not just where your kids are or what is going on, but what counts in their lives. Simply turning up at the sports games, or recitals isn't enough. Even having them live with you half the time is not sufficient evidence to convince them you care--even though you may be fulfilling all the responsibilities outlined in the settlement. Regrettably, kids seldom help their parents to stay on their wavelength by highlighting what is IMPORTANT to them, but at least try to avoid embarrassing remarks which display your "out-of-touchness" such as, "Who's Christine?" ( your daughter's best friend) or "I didn't know you had exams last week." Divorce makes it harder for parents to find ways to ensure their children feel valued and cared about. But it can be done.

A few basic rules:

** Help your children build their own support network of people who care about them, and support their exploration of new interests and activities.

** Don't let your visitation schedule stand in the way of your children being able to do what is important to them i.e., birthday parties, sports teams, school plays etc.

** Spend time together in blocks of time that make you both want to do it again. Short visits are often frustrating, and rarely satisfying for parent or child.

** When you are with them be available. Don't spend all the time on the phone or doing laundry or watching your favorite TV show.

** When you are away from them establish effective day-to-day ways to stay in touch. Many times the fax or e-mail is better than the telephone.

** Know what's going on in their lives. Get their school newsletters, copies of special projects, and their reports sent to you.

** Don't make them compete for your attention, whether it's with your new hobby or a new love interest.